Alright, I've already posted this on cave canum, but I've made my decision what I'm going to do about it! I know it's a longshot, but damn it to hell if I'm ever going to know true happiness somewhere, somehow, someway in my life it's either going to be with you or the person I should have been with by social standard expectation instead.(or most likely not now that my eyes are open to the reality of who he really is until proven otherwise, this is dependant on his bi-polar mood of the day)

When the time's appropriate, I'll let ya know; I'm leaving from here, possibly for good. The knowledge as a favor to you if you will. The day is drawing nearer, it is going to happen anyway you put it. It's just how the fate of things are, and you both know it to be so. Mainly because of what I chose to make of myself from choices as a child until now. So I'll leave it to you to make a choice. You can lose yourself the one who was meant to be there and your one guaranteed-for-life support system beam, or do something about it then. I'll leave you the choice.

We're all human, and I failed to realize that from all the hurt and abuse I've been through in the past, but it's no reason to self-pity either. Just gotta pick up the bags and move on, as they say.
4/4/10.
Happy Birthday btw.
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Jamie, I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know. You were and still are the best thing to have ever come into my life, period. I just don't understand, why was it then that you said repeatedly and left me with so much evidence(cards, letters, etc) that you felt the same and thought me to be the very best, you went with that witch of a woman Michelle. SHE KNEW you were the one for me and had repeated to me MULTIPLE TIMES HOW SHE WISHED TO WISK YOU AWAY, and you fell for it. It was my error to not look past that she was mentally disabled in more ways than the schools could ever diagnose. How I wish I was not so naive to the bullshit that she and the rest of them got you snagged in. I just don't understand how nor why, especially after Molina how you could fall for that. My life has been such shit here since,more so than it ever has been before then, and I'm not happy in most senses of the word. I thought I was multiple times and I do feel some form of contentness being that my immediate needs are met, but that's as far as it goes. I'm incomplete without you as my stability rock. It's like I'm complete as a social and educated person, but there's a core peice of myself that will be forever gone without you; and it's not just the lose of innocence, but much more. If we ever do see one another in person again, I can elaborate more. But There will be no other in my life, I understand that, I really do.

Maybe it's all just a farce, this thing we call love? What I do know is that there is not a day that I don't think about you and I yearn for a time when we could be together again, maybe death will do it for me...As vain as I might sound I'm not so fixated with the past as much as I am how fucked up things have become in the present because of the preliminary changes. I know things were never meant to be this fucked up but I feel in my quest to appease everyone else my own happyness fell by wayside. I just don't know, I know my principles are not fucked up as many more people I witness live by them with no consequence, but when I'm attached to anything by name, touch or otherwise it's just not meant to be. I just wish every single day I called you when I felt I should have, maybe this whole fiasco would have been prevented from the word go. So the last words from me are as follows;

Im sorry from the very depths of my soul that I never said what was bothering me the last time we were together before this erupted. I knew you sensed it and I was afraid to mention it, so I guess I got what I deserved when you went with the mongol. Atleast she has a family to back her up in times of need. Relevance to why I mention this is because at the time my mother had terrified me more than you could have imagined; she put the fear of god in me when she had visited for my birthday and made it her business to continually harass me over the phone , and I know that's not normal. That with knowing how much of a loving relationship you have with your own mother, that was something I never EVER wanted to tarnish at ANY cost. So I guess I bit it hard then, eh?

I'm truly sorry that I never called that last week either, I knew something was up and even had a de-ja-vu the last time we were together of you and the whore with one another and that combined with the last reason I was to terrified to confront it, and I just wanted to believe what you said about your father being ill and having to return to CA to dare look deeper within things. I should have mentioned it then. but again where things are what difference would it make?

And yes, although by the book and all rights I should not be the one pouring my heart and soul out here like this, I do want to apologize for being as furious as I was. I do feel it was justified for me to be that way as much as it was for that one bit of retaliatory ego of ID you had at your place, that although was irrelevant to the situation (Brian as much as a butt he can be DID witness EVERYTHING and you know it) I felt by bowing to that I would have had some form of relief from this pressure, but obviously that's not the case. Just a quick F.Y.I., You made me this way by doing what you have done, it wasn't no change from my personality from the begining as much as it was the response that the love of my life has just been taken for a fool by a retard.(Anyone else reading I kid you not!) Everything here I was not able to put into words at the time though and it's the regret of my life. I need you more than you could ever imagine, I really do.

One last thing on my own personal note is that although I didn't want it, you didn't want it and I still can't even think of the notion without cringing, I regret taking Plan B immediately after our last time. I still don't know to this day if it was or not something but bleeding for a month straight would make one think that it was, even after "conception". I was freaked out at the notion of ever having kids by my mother when she was around last and she had accused me of looking to harm my brother when I had no idea of what was going on at that moment, which is something I would never do in a million years and it was then that vowed to myself that I would never become that paranoid-born again-absenteeist-helicopter parent that my mom has become. With life in perspective now I would have preffered to have had the kid and gave it up for adoption for the sake of having a living legacy and something more than pathetic cards and love letters to rely on. Weirdly enough sure as shit my life would have been somewhat easier than it is now, being that it's quite literally solely me against the world at this point. Also with the knowledge that I will never allow myself to get pregnant again is why I mention this as well; I would never want kids with anyone else but you. I know personally I would never love them as much because they're not from the one true love of my life.

Well, maybe I'm just venting here, and again I'm sorry I just could't go against my principles since you've made it orchestrated to be this way now. I've bawled my eyes out too many times for too many years over what would have, could have and should have been. Maybe in the next life, who knows? I just really needed that slice of happyness in this life, ya know? I know I'll never be happy, for just as you said; I'd be a perfect mate for ANYONE; but I know that I'll never have a perfect mate for me, you were the one. If that was really the case why isn't it so now? Just know that I'm here, IF you'd want me to be; you know what to do......

Forever always, Danielle


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