Fears

The shimmer in the rock was deceiving; it's just salt, and his statue melded with the earth as rain pours torrentially, pounding whatever surface it lands upon, onto the ground.

But salt can have her own fun while she's around - enhancing color to the same old sounds. That is, if she don't spread herself on fragile, wounded egos first.

Don't know, doesn't matter. Salt don't care much for a Pepa that doesn't want her and pretty much resigned that she could be good for anyone, at all. But just maybe, nothing else but Pepa could truely fits her. Meh. XD




Goodnight! Good..... something.

I've wanted to have the ability to be invisible at any given time before, but today, it seemed as though I really was.

At noon, the person that I had needed to consult with regarding work and make amends abt stuff totally ignored my existence and go about stuffing his face with bananas when I was about to approach him. I left my fountain and headed to the opposite direction, leaving a trail of his blue in my line of vision.

Then, in the early evening, the woman whom I was once in love with was leaving the washroom as I was about to enter, but even as I looked at her face, didn't acknowledge my presence. There was a certain blackness in her face - one that I can't pinpoint at exactly - but I could hazard a guess as to why.

Hmm,

I want to tell you how much I want the baby inside me.. But I know you don't want it.

memory 18: Last year my cousin wanted to make me her maid of honour in lieu of her sister but I apologetically refused because I had been a best woman twice and witnessed how a monster groom and the princess bride from Shrek can never make for a lasting and healthy union.

One groom said hey, it keeps the marriage interesting love, all this unending Ramayanas. He's also a self-styled Tomasz from Unbearable Lightness of Being a Pervert. [And really, two popcorns at best.. what a bore of a chick flick.] But he loves it. Me? I don't think I can embrace love as a feeling, totally. I understand it, but after too long, it becomes a black hole, a kind of evil gravity that usurps one's capability for reason...for thinking of anything else the first thing in the morning and becoming the final thought when one's mind is taken by slumber. Not cool.

So my cousin is her final week now of pregnancy. I'm envious but still truly happy for her - it could happen like that. She says she's in love only after marriage, but then again, it was an arranged marriage. I've witnessed both very successful and disastrous marriages - but love can be a different animal altogether. I think I know love, but at the same time, past accidents left deep scars. I was never healthy or informed enough to seek vulnerary cures so the wounds will clot and crust and form rigid scars that will never fully heal. I know I'm damaged, and I really can't afford any further injury or to suck it up and pretend that I am okay all the time. Stoicity and sacrifice has its limits. Let's face it, I'm allergic to uncertain commitments, weddings and the like so I think it's best to stay away from such things. You know what, I'm not even afraid anymore. I'll just accept it....

I'm 22 and I've never had a boyfriend. Deep inside I'm terrified that I'll never meet anyone and one day I'll die alone.

Found out that the childhood girl buddy kept me in the dark that alphamale2 AND futuredoctor had asked her if I were to attend the meet. They said she said yeah, she'd inform me but it was some other girl who managed to text and another totally non-friend who IMed details. I hoped she was just being forgetful, but if it wasn't so, I know this isn't the first time she consciously deprived me of information so that I would be excluded frm the group. And to think she's not - and has never been - with this crowd. I've always liked my hermetic habits, but I do make exceptions time and again, and she knows that. I mean, I've always gone out of my way to include her in my crowd's events even if I had to drag myself to go because she liked this cool guy that my ex always invites. Idk. I've also observed that she'd ask me out for shopping, etc, but when it comes to group dates where there'd be guys around, she'l refrain frm asking me along. I'm not even a threat to her, I don't think so. She's taller, extroverted. I'm not even pretty pretty and most times just one of the boys really, not *with those boys. So it's just fitting they'd find me first most times. Gosh. The worst part is I want to be angry but I can't. Bygones. It hurts tho.

The worst part is that I really wanted to meet Sportsbuddy3 but he didn't turn up coz she told him I'm not turning up. Darn. Time to resurrect my fbook and learn to reply to texts. I think the days of having a gd gal pal gatekeep my social calendar is over. Darn. I so like my privacy.
But I think perhaps she has tire of her role and is sabotaging our friendship in her own way. I'll miss her, of course. But at least there's futuredoctor asking me out for dinner, for now. But I'd just rather he's some girl I can be buddies with.

The colors are greying and my memories are goin'. I wonder why I wake up most mornings now. Faking it is becoming a chore.

I wanted to tell Michelle but I can't. We're not even having a proper friendship now with her half the planet away. But I can't, coz there;s this possibility for us to one day be close again.

So only BC, his doctor friend, you and myself shall know. And that's it. I'll remember, but I hope no one brings it up, ever, again. I'll cope. Or if I end this, maybe not this way, ever, so don't need to check up on me, pls, BC. I'm with family now.

Thank you,

My greens are now greyish. I found solace in reds because that spectrum is the last to go at times like these...

I don't like my body; I've sworn vengeance on my brain. But if this is a game they're playing at least it's somewhat interesting. Tssk. Two more years.

He's still in town; I know he got the gig in Scotland but turned it down. I'm not a good person for someone to love, and worse, be in love with. I wish him the best, I wish her the best too - I know what he wants, always... it's never me, not really her... not anyone really except concepts after concepts of women he places on pedestals. He thinks he messed me up. I think we're both just wrong for each other in so many dimensions but it's addictive, you know.