Obsessions

I just want to sing, all the time. I wanna sing every minute of the day. When I do it's like a whole nother world is opened up. The way the words just roll of my tongue gives me shivers. I just want to be noticed. But I do love to sing, I just want to burst out singing in class, I want someone to tell me good job, you really amazing! At SOMETHING.

I tried out for a play a couple of weeks ago, and I auditioned about four times. I was counting down the days until the results were posted. I thought I was really good, an I could just imagine myself standing up there having everyone think about me for once. I want someone to SEE me, not just look at me. I was so prepared to spend hours on end every day, I was ready to give myself completely to acting. Everyone told me I was so good. I went to go find my name on the list, I didn't see it. I checked again. Nothing. I checked again and again and again. I hadn't made it. I heard YES's! And SWEET's! I felt like the only one walking away empty handed. FUCK YOU. I went straight to my room and cried. I cried and cried and cried. FUCK YOU! You KNEW how much I loved acting, and how excited I was. You KNEW why I auditioned so many times. I HATE you. My BEST apparently isn't good enough.

I went to church after school today. There is this guy there that I (USED TO) really like. He told his friends he liked me too. He always smiled, and I expected him to make his move anytime. when he finally did, it wasnt on me, it was my friend. FUCK. YOU. 1st of all, if your gonna lead me on, then fuck you. 2nd, I'd your gonna ask out one of my closest friends, dont keep dating her when YOU knew I liked you! And don't keep dating her if she only talks to you to tell you to move.

I FUCKING HATE BAND AND HALEY. "Oh haley is the best fucking horn player." Whenever SHE messes up it's HILARIOUS. Whenever I mess up on the other hand, it's ROSE!! WHAT THE HECK?? And Haley is just FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, and SPECIAL and NOTICED, and I'm over being excluded A FUCKING GAIN. I HATE you and your quack and fucking ADORABLE little laugh. IF YOU LOVE annabel so fucking much why dont you just shove me out of the way and pull her into the spotlight. Everyone fucking LOVES you. I'm laying here being EXCLUDED FROM FUCKING EVERYTHING I DO. FUCK YOU. EVERYDAY I COME HOME AND FUCKING DO WHATEVER AND YOU'RE JUST SO FUCKING POPULER EVERYONE JUST SURRONDS YOU. I FUCKING HATE YOU. THANKS FOR IGNORING ME TODAY IN BAND.

I want to kill myself more then ANYTHING. I'm a fucking TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL. Life isn't supposed to be like this!! I shouldn't have to go through life having to hide my arms, and wanting to fucking KICK someone in their fucking BEAUTIFUL FACE.

i have this weird obsession with death. all i think about is dying. i want to know what comes after this life. i always try to be the best person i can be because i dont want to go to hell. i fear doing fun things and stuff because i want to live as long as possible. i stay inside and lie and tell people that i do things on the weekend when all i do is lay in bed and eat all day.

You make me crazy. I can't stop to think about you...everytime,everyday. I still remember your face. your eye,your smelt. This morning, I woke up thinking again about you , about your smelt, about your arm, your hair in the air, your smile. I'm in love with you DAMN!

I skin-pick, everyday, sometimes during hours, in front of the mirror, crying. I'ts an obsession but I'm too ashamed too talk about it with anybody. I need help but people will laugh and be disgusted.

I feel fat but I'm too weak for starving. I hate my body.

I found out what I think, if I really determine on it, it will eventually become true, or just happen to me. I was really keen to find this music video that I saw on a night club screen one night. It book me a month and more, but I couldn't find it.I kind of give up, after 3 months, the singer was on late news and the video's details were just in front of me. It's like...dream becomes true that kind of feeling.

Most messed up Love dodecahedron ever!!!!!!!
So I just pent 2 hours talking to the guy that i have a massive thing for about who he likes and end up finding out that he likes three girls one more than the others. After getting my hopes up for like half an hour he tells me that one of the girls is my best friend and the other 2 are my close friends! Anyway he likes a girl named Tessa and she is absolutely gorgeous. Now i have started to dig myself a massive grave and help him get with this girl even though he practically made me tell him that i like him straight after his bitch session! WTF!

I left you almost 3 years ago, & yet you cloak my thoughts daily. I am terrifyingly afraid of you. I'm afraid you will deeply etch my soul again with your trechorous remarks. My emotions run thin because of you. I'm weak & bitter but am humble for being given the chance to learn to forgive such a negative person & influence on my life. Thank you for teaching me to persue my hidden courageous and confident voice that was withheld inside of me for so long. I don't think I (authentically) would have had a chance to know its existence otherwise. I am fruitful for the knowledge of what a true mate has to offer and can now understand what true love is defined exponentially. I thank you with all the grace in the world for opening my eyes to my own weaknesses. In turn I have now the ability to stand my own ground for what I believe in and to fight for my own voice rather than allowing emotional abuse to take place. Thank you again and thank you for presently teaching me to let go of the things I cannot control in my life, such as the fear you will one day hurt me or the children through your sickening game of guilt. I wish you an abundant life & the skill set to understand what true empathy, regret & remorse is as well as the love for another on your part is as I do believe you were hurt in your own past long ago. I wish you much healing on your own path of forgiveness of Self. Lovingly, your Ex-Wife

Im not being myself, After he left, I created a new identity. Austin 19 years old. We are good friends now, but Whats this.. he wants to talk to me now. I knew this day would come. So I hand the phone to my friend so he doesnt recognize Its me, He also wants to webcam..once again I beg my friend to webcam with him, he does its a nice flirty chat... and what happens If he wants to come over next.. I cant keep this up FUck you Eharmony. Why wont he just love me...

I am horribly addicted to heroin. I can't think about anything else. It's like I don't even exist. There is no me, no school, no friends, no family, no possessions (everything's in hock. There is only heroin. I wanted to get free so bad that I started tell everyone what I was doing, but no one will do anything, and I can't do it by myself. So here I am, I'm still using.