Regrets

when you acted interested in me, my friends and i made a big deal about it. you were the weird kid. and i told i my friends it was awkward. why would i judge so quickly? you're cute and nerdy, and i've burned bridges i wish i'd left intact.

I lost my soul mate.

I never believed in soul mates. I didn't even believe in 'falling in love'.

I'd had long term relationships, known a family, had long standing friends, but I'd never said the L word, never.

I got through my entire teens without ever swooning over a bloke or thinking 'oh my god, I'm so in love', despite being with and even living with one parner for three years.


I didn't want 'love' or to 'settle down'. I didn't want anything, but it came along anyway.

Still, we were together nearly two years, living and working together, before I ever said 'I love you', but I did.

We were one person, whole together. And I loved him to the bone.

We've been seperated almost two years. We still speak, on the phone, via email, through texts, but we can't met.

I've tried to move on, but I spend my life waiting for him to call up, for us to meet, for life to resume.

We're heroin addicts. I got clean and he didn't. I can't be near heroin and he can't be away from it.

Three of my friends have recently gotten engaged. Other friends are already married, have kids, careers, mortgages, take holidays.

I'm a fucking smackhead. I got clean to live, but my life since has been one long wait on the man, my man...my drug, my soul mate. And what scares me more is the phone call that says he's gone forever.

I never wanted to be in love.

The trouble with this game is that nobody wins. I played win-wins all the time, but I'm drawn to you all the same even if Toda Madzuko had warned me about that part of you that is trouble. I guess Mr McPherson and Snip McMann are great salesmen, huh? I still thought of you the first thing in the morning today, but I'd make sure for that to stop. We've always been playing a different game, you realize? You're in a league of your own... no one can touch you.

But now that you're leaving, please leave my packed boxes as it is too (: I know you have that much willpower in you. Also, you've made a mess at the playground where I used to watch the introverted children play. You've made it your own, I'm impressed! But do consider that I do drop by during my lunch breaks now and again - don't leave too much of a mess on the bench where I sit. But always, thanks for the yummy cakes and candies and the jokes.... all the good stuff. Have a good day! I hope you win too (:

I lost you so long ago. And i know youbwill never come back. But every 11:11 i still wish you. Youre the only one i want.

Sometimes i just can't believe the horrible things i say to the ones who love me the most. I love my family more than anything and i don't know what i would do if they ever just got sick of it and left. I would probably deserve it though, with all the stuff i've said to them. I know it's wrong to say that i love him as much as them even though they've been there all my life. I know i hurt them when i tell them to leave and that i hate them and they're only killing me inside. I know it's wrong, but still i do it. I just don't know how to stop.

A long time ago, whenever I got too near the edges, I'd find solace in the knowledge that I've got my Amazing Technicolour Dream Parachute ready, just in case. So it seemed proper that I asked him, What Color is Your Parachute, boy? He told me he was colourblind. So I remarked, Well your current Parachute will just do its basic functions for now, but maybe we could go shopping for a tres cool airfloater round next month - I'm a bit busy procrastinating on the internets right now. And I've forgotten where's the best place to shop for a Parachute now anyways - maybe my brain might remember in the days, months, millennia to come. He said OK, d'accord, fine, suka hati engkau lah perempuan, yes, love, whatever love wants XD.

Came following Monday he reluctantly went skydiving and plunged 20,000 feet to his death coz there were slashes in chute. Fun, eh?

Now I've developed a well-hidden phobia for skydiving and Parachutes but sometimes I find that it is a necessary evil to be equipped with the latter when treading the edges of life. I usually will try to conceal the fact that my 'bagpack' is really a chutepak, full-sized. Who knows what kind of crazie might want to slash my chute with Uzis just the moment I got careless and didn't do a thorough check before pulling the chord. I'm often so clumsy that no one will think it is an accident.

If I had my way, I'd want my chute to Kevlar AND Teflon just in case I've cultivated a pyromanic nemesis during the course of my drugged-out journeys. But most times, whenever the need to venture into these treacherous terrains arose, I'd normally follow routes already with safety nets. It's getting trickier tho, coz I still need to muster up so much courage to even perfom this simple task. I'm tired and drained, too.

So sometimes I think he was lucky that he fell. They said you can levitate in Heaven [or Hell - demons & their minions have wings too!] One doesn't need a Parachute of any Color then!

Alright, I've already posted this on cave canum, but I've made my decision what I'm going to do about it! I know it's a longshot, but damn it to hell if I'm ever going to know true happiness somewhere, somehow, someway in my life it's either going to be with you or the person I should have been with by social standard expectation instead.(or most likely not now that my eyes are open to the reality of who he really is until proven otherwise, this is dependant on his bi-polar mood of the day)

When the time's appropriate, I'll let ya know; I'm leaving from here, possibly for good. The knowledge as a favor to you if you will. The day is drawing nearer, it is going to happen anyway you put it. It's just how the fate of things are, and you both know it to be so. Mainly because of what I chose to make of myself from choices as a child until now. So I'll leave it to you to make a choice. You can lose yourself the one who was meant to be there and your one guaranteed-for-life support system beam, or do something about it then. I'll leave you the choice.

We're all human, and I failed to realize that from all the hurt and abuse I've been through in the past, but it's no reason to self-pity either. Just gotta pick up the bags and move on, as they say.
4/4/10.
Happy Birthday btw.
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Jamie, I love you and I miss you more than you'll ever know. You were and still are the best thing to have ever come into my life, period. I just don't understand, why was it then that you said repeatedly and left me with so much evidence(cards, letters, etc) that you felt the same and thought me to be the very best, you went with that witch of a woman Michelle. SHE KNEW you were the one for me and had repeated to me MULTIPLE TIMES HOW SHE WISHED TO WISK YOU AWAY, and you fell for it. It was my error to not look past that she was mentally disabled in more ways than the schools could ever diagnose. How I wish I was not so naive to the bullshit that she and the rest of them got you snagged in. I just don't understand how nor why, especially after Molina how you could fall for that. My life has been such shit here since,more so than it ever has been before then, and I'm not happy in most senses of the word. I thought I was multiple times and I do feel some form of contentness being that my immediate needs are met, but that's as far as it goes. I'm incomplete without you as my stability rock. It's like I'm complete as a social and educated person, but there's a core peice of myself that will be forever gone without you; and it's not just the lose of innocence, but much more. If we ever do see one another in person again, I can elaborate more. But There will be no other in my life, I understand that, I really do.

Maybe it's all just a farce, this thing we call love? What I do know is that there is not a day that I don't think about you and I yearn for a time when we could be together again, maybe death will do it for me...As vain as I might sound I'm not so fixated with the past as much as I am how fucked up things have become in the present because of the preliminary changes. I know things were never meant to be this fucked up but I feel in my quest to appease everyone else my own happyness fell by wayside. I just don't know, I know my principles are not fucked up as many more people I witness live by them with no consequence, but when I'm attached to anything by name, touch or otherwise it's just not meant to be. I just wish every single day I called you when I felt I should have, maybe this whole fiasco would have been prevented from the word go. So the last words from me are as follows;

Im sorry from the very depths of my soul that I never said what was bothering me the last time we were together before this erupted. I knew you sensed it and I was afraid to mention it, so I guess I got what I deserved when you went with the mongol. Atleast she has a family to back her up in times of need. Relevance to why I mention this is because at the time my mother had terrified me more than you could have imagined; she put the fear of god in me when she had visited for my birthday and made it her business to continually harass me over the phone , and I know that's not normal. That with knowing how much of a loving relationship you have with your own mother, that was something I never EVER wanted to tarnish at ANY cost. So I guess I bit it hard then, eh?

I'm truly sorry that I never called that last week either, I knew something was up and even had a de-ja-vu the last time we were together of you and the whore with one another and that combined with the last reason I was to terrified to confront it, and I just wanted to believe what you said about your father being ill and having to return to CA to dare look deeper within things. I should have mentioned it then. but again where things are what difference would it make?

And yes, although by the book and all rights I should not be the one pouring my heart and soul out here like this, I do want to apologize for being as furious as I was. I do feel it was justified for me to be that way as much as it was for that one bit of retaliatory ego of ID you had at your place, that although was irrelevant to the situation (Brian as much as a butt he can be DID witness EVERYTHING and you know it) I felt by bowing to that I would have had some form of relief from this pressure, but obviously that's not the case. Just a quick F.Y.I., You made me this way by doing what you have done, it wasn't no change from my personality from the begining as much as it was the response that the love of my life has just been taken for a fool by a retard.(Anyone else reading I kid you not!) Everything here I was not able to put into words at the time though and it's the regret of my life. I need you more than you could ever imagine, I really do.

One last thing on my own personal note is that although I didn't want it, you didn't want it and I still can't even think of the notion without cringing, I regret taking Plan B immediately after our last time. I still don't know to this day if it was or not something but bleeding for a month straight would make one think that it was, even after "conception". I was freaked out at the notion of ever having kids by my mother when she was around last and she had accused me of looking to harm my brother when I had no idea of what was going on at that moment, which is something I would never do in a million years and it was then that vowed to myself that I would never become that paranoid-born again-absenteeist-helicopter parent that my mom has become. With life in perspective now I would have preffered to have had the kid and gave it up for adoption for the sake of having a living legacy and something more than pathetic cards and love letters to rely on. Weirdly enough sure as shit my life would have been somewhat easier than it is now, being that it's quite literally solely me against the world at this point. Also with the knowledge that I will never allow myself to get pregnant again is why I mention this as well; I would never want kids with anyone else but you. I know personally I would never love them as much because they're not from the one true love of my life.

Well, maybe I'm just venting here, and again I'm sorry I just could't go against my principles since you've made it orchestrated to be this way now. I've bawled my eyes out too many times for too many years over what would have, could have and should have been. Maybe in the next life, who knows? I just really needed that slice of happyness in this life, ya know? I know I'll never be happy, for just as you said; I'd be a perfect mate for ANYONE; but I know that I'll never have a perfect mate for me, you were the one. If that was really the case why isn't it so now? Just know that I'm here, IF you'd want me to be; you know what to do......

Forever always, Danielle

Acts of Sacrifice: it's tough but we're faking it so the pain won't creep out of our minds and into their hearts. The pain is infectious; and just like any good retrovirus will form a synergy when two divergent elements of each comes together. We stayed apart; 7 months. It mutated well enough, dormant at times, but killed us eventually. But at least, for us, they'd remain blessedfully ignorant.

I'm ashamed to admit that I mildly regret this now. But this remorse will only hinder us from staying the course, no? It is not the type of regret that burns one's soul at the stake, only to be reborn with a fire that nourishes the belly, a syzygy of goodness and faith. This is a selfish regret, and ranks of bitterness and spite. I shall not wander there - it is not part of the plot we've planned.

I cheated with my ex-boyfriend long time ago thinking I wouldn't "fall in love " with him..and now..now that he's moved on and has a new girlfriend..I regret every little thing that I've done. He was a good man and it hurts me so bad knowing that he has someone new and that I've been completely erased in his life...

I loved you so much. Even though I was dating someone else. But we both knew I didn't love him. and then I broke it off, and there was that window of time. time for us. and you blew it.