Confessions

I knew the meaning of Face: off and Face: on. It is off when I was not with you and on when I be with you. It is so hurt to know the truth. You have been trying to avoid me, do you think I don't know that? What you told be last time were just all lies...Poor little reindeer still believe you...

There were things done to me okay and most times I'm just too stupid too weak too cowardly to fight back if the odds are stacked against me. Telling is bad; you have to collect proof.

Worst part is that some times I liked it.

God,.

My cousin kept telling me on how I should join her company since there is an opening that might fit me. So I go to their careers site and at first glance I thought she knew the secret that I never revealed to the family. But a split second later I realized it's just espnstar.com the sports network; not espanapornstar.com in short.

You looked old yesterday, with all your eyebags, and I loved it that you look your age.

Perhaps that's a sign something is not altogether right with me. Like a lot is wrong with you too.

We need to get out of here, out of blue playgrounds that had been trashed around by immature vandals and the weird old hippi with spraycans in her hands. I don't do this. So fucking uncool, so unhealthy. So, time to get better I s'pose.

Neither of us believe that the other will, tho, am I correct? But eventually cities learn to grow and how to liberate. Doesn't happen overnight of course - there would always be wolves that we have to keep at bay for this while.

Bottomline: time.

There are things I need to get done. Old friends, promises, and loyalties. Strange how I don't quite trust any of them now, but we go way back. I'm sure you share the same sentiment regarding your 'real friends' - whatever that means. I have voices in my head too but the ppl I know I'm sure will bleed warm blood and shout obscenities once poked. With you, I'm not so sure. I still find it cute tho.

[Another cute: the way you do that annoying yet oh-so-adorable tongue-flicking thing when you mispronounce a word or two. Makes me want to ruffle your hair like you're some little boy, then kiss you on your forehead. We both know you are actually Peter Pan masquerading as a hairy old man.]

Whatever.

You're making me more paranoid than I already am. It's 2004 all over again. I want an interesting, healthy existence, not senseless Ramayanas and double, triple lives. I played that before and even if it wasn't a virtual game, it wasn't cool either. I don't like to be afraid of things so much, but there were so many monsters to fear. Like I knew I'd be afraid of you and what you're capable of doing.

Yet, at the same time, I want you. I never thought that I'd want you this way, tho. This isn't fun; it bloody hurts. I've done so, so many things just to avoid feeling this way again. To build up strength again. To never sustain permanent injuries lest I fall.

So, be strong for me.

And in turn, I won't let our lovesickness take us all at once. I need to see the sun by myself while I heal, so we gotta wait, for this to be anything real. There's time enough.






XD bleargh, mush!

I spent a wild New Year's Eve (and night that followed) with my friends, seven of us altogether, three guys and four girls. Lots of drinking, lots of fun, lots of sex. Now I'm pregnant and have no idea which one out of three is the father.

I noticed a little while ago that my best friend smells weird. Really weird. She likes a lot of physical contact and whenever she goes in for a hug or to lean on me or link arms, all I can focus on is how strange she smells. Like a little hamster or something.

I don't like being around her much right now because it is snowing a lot, so she comes inside wet and the smell is more intense. It's all I can focus on. Hasn't anybody else noticed?

I feel like a terrible person, but she just smells so strange!

I love my boyfriend. I really couldn't ask for better. But sometimes I look at him and something is missing.

I met someone else who knows how I feel. He and I cuddled on his carpet trying not to make mistakes, shortly after his girlfriend left and shortly before my boyfriend called for a ride home.

I am a republican.

No matter what happens, I still hope you'll do me the favour of remembering my name for the time when memories atrophy. In turn, I'm sure I'll never forget what it felt like the third time your skin brushed against mine. Things clicked for me then. It was electric.

I know they don't want me really and I didn't prep for it. No strings to pull either. If only I had your brains, then I'll be able to conjure any miracle I want. I'm beginning to feel the impending rejection already. If only you could hold me now.