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I am 29 years old, in school to get a second degree and married.
I have never had a good life, and have always been miserable. I always thought that if I just waited, if I just worked hard enough I'd be happy. But I'm not. I have no hope for the future or future happiness.
I want to die. I won't kill myself because of what it would do to my closest friends. So I just silently wish something would kill me. A disease, a car wreck, something. There is no hope, and I would rather have it all stop now than to live through 70 more years of this.
After my best friend tried to kill herself she started hating me and now I wish we had never been friends because it hurts too much.
I got really messed up as a kid... bullied beat hated. As time went on I hated everthing and everyone. In school id fantasize about shooting everyone. highschool ended and I only got worse until one day I decided i would kill a girl and rape her corpse... so I went out looking for a girl but after a 10 minute walk I didnt see anyone. a month later i was arrested for stealing. As i was loosing control I began to read the bible and God saved me from my old self. Now im the nicest person youll meet. =)
I'm the biggest loser in my family. I think i did. Right now, my life is full of lie. I'm doing something that hate, but i can't show to everyone why i hate it. Even to my family, place where you feel very safe. Because i feared if i tell my problem i'd become the weak one in my family. They will tell me that i can't overcome the world, i'm not going to survive to the world, and many more... because i'm such a loser. Fear that my weakness exposed, i tell my family that my whole day is fine, life is good, and something good news that won't worry them. I'ts a lie, a big lie. I cried to myself and plead to god "why should i live anymore, i'm trapped between something i hate and a fear. If someone can save me i'ts you GOD. Take my pitiful life somewhere i can be in peace". Even now i still pray like that. I still believe that world is there for me. But day after day. And now year become new. I still don't have the answer of my plead. God i'ts frustrating! even i believe in other world will come to save me!. I didn't get the answer and i'm running out of time. And then... now i'm confused. What is my life, what should i do, why is so hard to live happy now, why i even bother to believe something that so abstract.
It hurt thinking about it... maybe it's true that i'm such a loser... who want something so ridiculous and believe it...
I love my life. It bothers me when people say they want to die. There's no point life is so wonderful.
Every morning I hear my step mom throwing up in the bathroom from my bed. I don't even think she has told my dad that she thinks the cancer is back. And frankly I don't think he would really care.
He's been pushing her away for years now even though she's just starting to realize it.
But he's always been that way. He's a sociopath, always has been always will be. He's so caught up lying to himself he can't even remember anything correctly. That's one thing I promissed my self. NEVER FORGET. So I stare into my molester's face almost everyday. And hug him when he reaches for it. And respond with a hello and I love you and good night. And unlike him, I never lie to myself, just to almost everyone else. I have one true friend and its so wonderful to have her. Before I met her I had no idea what it felt like to be truely loved and cared about. I know she'll always be there for me and I for her.
I wish I could forgive everyone. But I can't. I've finally learned how to forgive myself and not guilt things onto me that I couldn't have controlled in the first place. But I can't forgive them no matter how wonderful it would be. and the rage that I feel sits in my belly and haunts my dreams and gergles up into my throat everytime I think of him. And it cools when it hits the air when I go to speak, because if I talk I'll die. He'll take everything away from me (if he can). The delusion of me loving him is so important that if it breaks, he'l crumble. I don't want to admit it but I'm too sick. The headaches are better but the nausea keeps coming back and I wont be able to walk again if conditions are right. I can't take those injections either, I'd rather die choking on my own vomit, and dragging on the ground than inject myself with that cancer. I think about my mother a lot. I want the ties back to my family, its not worth it. I felt bad playing that little head game with her but its the only time I caused her pain on purpose. She will do anything to prove someone wrong, so telling her that I was afriad she would kill herself ensured her safety, because I love her very much. All my life I've wanted her to be ok. But I'm learing insanity never leaves, it just takes over and now I hope she gets to the point where she can prove it wrong. I used to be afraid of her so terribly but I learned it doesn't matter what you're afraid of you might as well face it, because even if you turn your back it will sink its claws into you anyway. It took a while for me to realie how bad off mom was but now I see I should have left a long time ago. I stayed for her life. I lived for her not knowing that whatever was behind her eyes would have killed me. The knives and the stares, the car and the beating. I have to belive that she stopped it. I have to believe she was fighting for the wheel, while the devil pushed her to the backseat.
And all the while I was worried about my sister. Because her fate was just as bad as mine. With her mother she was fed lies and shes told me stories of the men my step mom lets into their studio appartment. And the hatered in my belly makes my skin tingle and sear becuase I know my previous step mother and her sleep in the same bed. And if a day comes when I find there has been someone to ruin her, I will ruin them. And any of those strange men I find, will no longer have strange faces to me. I don't know how my brother does it. He has made it out of the fire seemingly unscathed and I am so proud of him. I love him too very much. Even though he left me, I'm more at peace with it. I forgive him. He was in hell as well. He found his way at least into purgatory. I'm only afraid the past will catch up with him one day. But he has done so well. I hope he has a beautiful family someday. I am so close to freedom. I just have to find thedoctors, to learn the problem, to know the methods and upkeep myself. I need a job, a room to stay, and a place to take my sister when she can't be with my father or her mother. Although, I love someone else. Its good and slow and warm. Its something I've never had. He's the oposite to me. A nerdy young woman with glasses who sings, reads comics and paints, who loves the ocean and school and seems to make people laugh everywhere... with a man with a big burly voice and hard fingers whos even taller than I am but with enough bulk to fill a doorway and tattoos across his chest and body, and some that wind up his neck and 3 near the corners of his face near his eyes. Black hair with a few strands of silver and a trimmed goatee, always wearing his black billed hat and that chain on his pants. He's so tough and he doesn't have to move a muscle to make most people take a second thought. But they don't see what I see. They don't see his large brown eyes hint green in the sun. Or that besides his hands his skin is very soft, and it crinkles near the corners of his eyes when he smiles. Or his heart, and the way he is so good to animals. To tell you the truth I could go on but the point would only be lost. When I lay next to him at night he shows me the truth. He always goes so slow, and although he can't keep his hands away (nor can I keep mine from him) hes so gentle and the tattooed fingers that everyone fears, hold me so tight and close but so delecately like you would hold a small animal. Just firm enough to make secure. What he doesn't realize is he does this through the night. If I try to stray an unconcious arm reaches after me and pulls me back with a sigh. I've been with others, none have treated me so well. and Ithink we are just both worried that the other will call it all off. I wasn't sure but now I am starting to love him. I hope I always know him, no matter what happens. I wish people could understand me. But they never will, because I can never tell anyone but my good friend the truth.
I have cheated on my wife with 5 different women. Not all sex. Some just kissing. Some just conversation. But they've all been affairs. I hate my wife. I feel no guilt.
my parents just fought and my dad broke his hand because he punched the wall and I was in the same room. This is the first time I've ever seen them have a full blown argument. I cried a lot that night then the next day my big sister was being really horrible to me. I can't stop crying.
Someone keeps talking about David Oakes and it is annoy me now, I'm judging stories and this person just loves David so much. Seriously, whoever they are, they're annoying as fvck!
A lot of the time, when someone is talking to me I get bored so I zone out and imagine what our child would look like. It means I still look engaged and keep eye-contact.
They say prevention is better than cure, so I try to talk as long as possible to give them lots to respond to.
I'm labelled 'chatty' and 'friendly', little do they know that I'm just desperately trying to avoid boredom.
all people have ever taught me about love is how to feel envious and jealous as they take and steal what is mine and then I just end up feeling self hate, defeat, low self worth and feeling like I am not good enough. and the nuns or priests used to tell us to avoid those people and find people who will like you as you are, who will show love and consideration for you straight away. so that is what I do... same with relationships...
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